For Her
I write these words with a conflicted heart, hoping they reach her eyes yet mindful of respecting her space. For who am I, to break someone’s heart and then impose myself back into their life.
Looking up to the sky filled with victorian clouds, the warm purple hue of the sunset rests over us. A constant beauty surrounds us, and as I look into this beauty, a painting of deep emotion, I am reminded of my pain. The pain of having someone that you love yet caused great pain under the same sky. The pain of having someone who once spent your life with, planning your future with, under the same sky disconnected. Regardless of its color, the beautiful world that lies above watched as we made plans, as we moved through challenges, as we lived. Now the same sky watches us miles and miles apart, with no knowledge of the ongoing events in our lives and the most intimate knowledge about each other’s days. Separated, as the sky watches. All I can do is selfishly look to the sky and wish you all the peace and happiness in the world. I say selfishly, because you don’t hear these wishes. These wishes exist for my peace, peace from the responsibility of breaking your heart.
Under the sky I spend much time reflecting and exploring my inner thoughts and emotions and thinking about what could have been and what is now. The sky, the eternal witness to our journey, holds no answers. Each evening, as the sun sets and the colors bleed into the horizon, I find myself like a single ribbon tied to a rope, in the middle being pulled, caught between the allure of what might have been and the weight of what is. Navigating the tension between the paths untaken and the reality unfolding before me. Through this reflection, I wish I had better answers. In the life we had, a gray cloud loomed over me, causing incurable unhappiness. The source of this overcast that haunted me remains elusive. It is through our separation that I have begun a pilgrimage of self-discovery and self-love amidst the ruins of our shared happiness. I search within the wreckage of our love for the reasons why I couldn’t find joy, why my heart remained a locked chest you couldn’t unlock. The shadows of doubt, a dark overcast, hung over us, casting a pall on the days we tried to salvage. It pains me because I wonder if it was my fault, if my inability to find happiness was the cause of our distance.
As I strive to rebuild myself and love myself deeper, I find myself torn between wanting to reach out and fearing to cause you further pain. I want to express how I’ve been healing, how I’ve been working on myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. It’s a solitary trek, marked by moments of clarity and echoes of your absence. I want you to know that despite everything, I still care deeply about you. There are days when I contemplate reaching out, hoping that perhaps there is still a chance for us to reconnect and start anew. But then I hesitate, unsure if it’s fair to you, unsure if I’m ready to face the complexities of our past.
I miss you, and that is perhaps the hardest truth to admit. I miss the comfort of knowing you were there, the shared moments, and the dreams we once held together. But amidst this longing, there is also a fear — a fear of returning to a place of unhappiness that I once knew too well. The thought of going back to what we had, unresolved, scares me more than anything. In the silence of my nights, I wrestle with the contradiction of missing you while striving to rebuild a life where happiness isn’t an elusive dream. I ache for clarity, for a sign that I made the right choice, that in breaking us apart, I’ve paved a path toward wholeness and contentment.
This letter is not a plea to get back together nor a promise of reconciliation. It’s a testament to the complexity of my emotions and the depth of my respect and love for you. I write this to acknowledge the pain I’ve caused and the uncertainty that now defines my path forward. I write this to express my hope that you find the happiness and peace that you deserve, even if it means we remain apart.
Underneath it all, I am striving to be a better person. I hope, in time, wounds will heal, and scars will fade, leaving behind a legacy of growth and understanding. Until then, I will continue to gaze at the sky, seeking answers in its infinite expanse, hoping that somewhere amidst the stars, you find the peace and happiness that eluded us.
Lastly, I apologize for finding my most heartfelt words only after our relationship. I wish I had expressed myself more through writing before.
