A Heart Left Behind
Going through a breakup is hard, and when you have a pet together, the pain is doubled. In my case, I was the one who broke up with my partner. In a country overseas, with limited knowledge of the language and support, leaving and taking my dog felt impossible. Jobless, I would be unable to stay in this foreign country and support myself, as well as navigate the country with a dog. It felt right to leave the dog with my ex-partner, who loves her dearly as well, where she had support, a place, and security. While I tell myself it’s for the best, my heart aches at her absence.
Before I left the apartment, I headed downstairs to see Nymeria. Nymeria is an American Staffordshire Terrier who will be two years old this July. Stepping off the last stair, I looked to my left to see Nym — this is one of her many nicknames — laying on her bed ever so sweetly, observing me. I walked over to her; as I moved closer, her sweet eyes followed me. Her tail wagged at a faster pace with each step I took nearing her. Standing over top of her, looking down, as our eyes locked, my eyes became heavy with emotion. In a reactive attempt to suppress my tears, I looked to Allah. The emotions and tears were too much to suppress, like a wooden door trying to remain closed in a tsunami. The tears rushed out; looking to Allah, rivers flowed from my eyes to the inaudible noises that my mouth released. Overwhelmed. “I love you so dearly… I’m so sorry, sweet girl… I will miss you so much… I love you so, so much… so, so much… You’re such a beautiful girl…” I said repeatedly. Crying and kissing her forehead, trying to hold onto her smell for as long as I could. This is the final time that we will see each other. It pains me that she does not know this. Nym is responding to my cries with love and kisses, unknowing of the coming separation. Allah, please forgive me, I prayed, because I didn’t want Nymeria to feel the pain I feel in leaving her. I am so sorry, baby girl.
To the purest being on this earth that deserves everything that this world has to offer. I have failed you, and the tears that flow from my eyes are a constant reminder of the pain. A continuous river of pain. I wish you could know how much I love you and how much I think about you. You are the best dog in the world, and I love you so much. A piece of my heart will forever roam this earth, and I will never know how she’s doing or if she is loved and taken care of. I hurt deeply. I pray that my heart, wherever she is, is the happiest she can be and around those who will love her and take care of her, even better than I could.
All you did was love. I grieve you every day; before, through constant suppression, I forgot how to cry, but now I cry proudly. Every day of grieving is a testament to how much I love you. I will cry every day for the rest of my life for you, to never forget you, and to forever express a piece of my heart that is forever lost. I have abandoned you. Under the circumstances, I couldn’t take care of you, let alone myself. It hurts, and I would like to know if I made the right decision overall, to justify the pain that I am feeling. I know I won’t know. It hurts to not have you in my life anymore. All I can say is that when you see me again, I hope you forgive me.
